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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  September 8, 2015 9:19am-9:53am PDT

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>> larry: tonightly, mayor deblasio tries to crack down on topless women in times square. thanks, mr. mayor, but can we get people to stop pooping on the street first? (laughter) subway's jared fogle will plead guilty to sex with minors and will go away for 5 to 12 years. (audience reacts) come on! please give this man something 18 years and over! (laughter) and write-in candidate deez nuts is polling third behind hillary clinton and donald trump in iowa. (cheers and applause) well, he can't be any worse than well, he can't be any worse than these nuts! let me get deez nuts in the chair. it's the "the nightly show"! captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪
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>> larry: thank you very much! welcome to "the nightly show." thank you very much! thank you so much. i appreciate it. we have such great crowds, so energetic. i really appreciate it. i'm larry wilmore. so you're correct. amazing how you got that right. it's time. it's time to find out what's happening with the unblackening. ♪ okay. i just want to do a quick roundup of where we are with this thing. first things first -- donald trump is on the cover of "time magazine." so if you're in a doctor's waiting room in the 1980s, you should pick up a copy. (laughter) meanwhile, hillary clinton leads on the democratic side, and
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here's the thing -- in the latest cnn poll, trump is only 6 percentage points behind clinton. 6 percentage points?! (audience reacts) are you kidding? this started as a joke, and now it's a real thing. (laughter) like handlebar mustaches and saying "totes." this is totes real, you guys. don't whatevs it. (laughter) now, trump has provided a lot of entertainment, not only for the show, but everywhere. but there is a new candidate coming on the scene who, by his name alone, may threaten the excitement that trump has been generating. >> a just-completed poll in north carolina shows donald trump leading hillary clinton in a possible presidential matchup, but that's not the part that's grabbing people's attention today. it is the third-party candidate on that poll. a candidate named deez nuts.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: i'm sorry. i'm not quite sure i heard that name right. did anyone else report on this? i just want to be sure. we he might have been some rogue reporter. >> candidate named deez nuts. >> independent candidate. >> deez nuts. >> deez nuts for president. >> deez nuts. >> deez nuts. >> deez nuts. >> deez nuts. >> deez nuts might be our savior. >> deez nuts. >> deez nuts, mr. nuts. >> larry: mr. nuts?! (laughter) mr. nuts is my father's name. please. call me deez. all right, i believe you. deez nuts is officially in the race. or should i say, deez nuts "are" officially in the race. (laughter) so, apparently, deez nuts is polling at 8% in minnesota and 7% in iowa. meanwhile, according to the same polling company, lindsey graham has "literally no supporters." (laughter)
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: oh, my god! literally no supporters! i didn't even though that was a number! good grief, lindsey. american teenagers are heading overseas to join i.s.i.s., and you don't have a single supporter. (laughter) let me see if i can explain this a little more clearly. there are two things in america that have more support than lindsey graham -- i.s.i.s. and deez nuts! (cheers and applause) >> larry: you got it. there there! okay! to get more on this, we want to go to deez nuts 2016 campaign headquarters in iowa to check in with the campaign manager. (cheers and applause) >> mike: thanks, larry! >> larry: mike yard? you're the deez nuts campaign manager? >> mike: yup! when i heard about this story last night, i quit the show and flew out to iowa. larry, sometimes you just gotta follow your heart, man. and in this case, i gotta follow deez nuts!
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(laughter) (cheers and applause) >> larry: wait, so you're willing to throw away a career in television to go work on a political campaign? because it has a funny name? >> mike: hell, yeah. i'm excited, larry! this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. if you listen to my candidate's stance on entitlement reform, he... i'm just kidding -- we're talking about deez nuts! (cheers and applause) what more do you want from a person running for president in 2016? >> larry: ideas for how to make america better? >> mike: you sound like martin o'malley. that dude's polling at 2%. you know why, larry? name non-recognition. nobody cares about anything he has to say because his name is boring. wake me up when you wanna talk about deez nuts! (cheers and applause) >> ricky: larry, larry. >> larry: oh, yes. let's go to ricky velez, who's covering the social media angle from "the nightly show" data center.
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(cheers and applause) hey, ricky! >> ricky: i'm here following this phenomenon, and you should see these, larry. >> larry: oh, these what? >> ricky: deez nuts! (cheers and applause) >> larry: all right, fine. i get it. i get it. >> ricky: this is really catching on, larry. it looks like everyone's pulling for... deez nuts. >> larry: okay, i think you're just having fun saying this. >> ricky: no, i'm not, larry. you know i take my work very seriously. let me read you this. this report says deez nuts are blowing up on twitter, deez nuts are showing up on instagram, and deez nuts are spreading all over your face... facebook page, larry! >> larry: oh, uh... (laughter) all you're doing is making a joke out of deez nuts. >> ricky: deez what? >> larry: deez nuts! now you got me saying it!
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you got me. you got me. (cheers and applause) >> holly: larry, can i interject here? >> larry: oh, yes, thank you. holly walker, everybody, coming to us from the council for women's voting. (cheers and applause) go ahead, holly. >> holly: larry, this is the most juvenile thing i've ever seen. >> larry: thank you, yes! i agree! >> holly: once again, all our political discourse is dominated by males and their locker room sensibilities. we're not having a conversation about issues that matter. >> larry: exactly, holly, that's my point. thank you. >> holly: ub welcome. >> larry: so who's the candidate you're most interested in talking about? >> holly: larry, there is a very exciting dark horse out of pennsylvania. she's a female candidate who has a lot to say. >> larry: great, what's her name? >> deez titties! (cheers and applause) >> larry: okay. i can't believe this, holly. now you're doing it, too? >> holly: no, larry. i'm completely serious.
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deez titties sprang outta nowhere. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> larry: really. >> holly: yes, larry. the campaign was sagging, but now they're starting to pick up, and they're getting a lot of support. her poll numbers are lifting and separating through the swing states. (cheers and applause) >> larry: that doesn't even make sense! mike yard, what are you doing there? i thought you were working with deez nuts. >> mike: i was until i heard about deez titties. >> holly: deez nuts! >> ricky: larry, i'm getting information that deez nuts and deez titties are joining forces. >> larry: i know. i've heard. okay. i've had enough of this. mic, holly and ricky, everybody. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) ♪
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it's what you do. looking for a delicious taste that lifts you up? try lipton sparkling iced tea. the perfect combination of fruit flavors, iced tea, and light carbonation. lipton sparkling iced tea. refreshingly uplifting! ♪ >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. comedian and "the nightly show" executive producer rory albanese. (cheers and applause) very funny comedian hadiyah robinson. (cheers and applause)
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our own "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. (cheers and applause) and his special incoveragable can be seen on netflix and he's also the star of nbc's undatable comedian, chris d'elia. (cheers and applause) so tonight we're doing something i call bag o' grab. i have a bag of random categories, so when it's your turn, you will reach in and grab an object. the object will represent something in the news we want to talk about. ladies first. just pull out an object in the bag. that will tell us which object. what have we got? >> two things. >> larry: okay. this is a -- that is a gun and a lingerie, and this is an article about sex and violence in advertising. i know. this is something you would find
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in the south, i think. just kidding, south! calm down! (laughter) >> that's what the security team at deez titties wear (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> larry: apparently there's a new study that says sex doesn't sell after all and ads with sexual or violent content actually distracted viewers. they ended up only remembering the sex and violence -- and not the product the ad was trying to sell. >> i buy that. maybe i'm just an idiot. i'm, like, awesome. hey, wait, i think that's me (laughter) >> larry: you don't think about that? >> what is violence used to sell? i don't know -- >> like gillette! bleed out with gillette, people! (laughter) >> larry: most to have the sex stuff doesn't even work. they have the commercial with the sexy check eating the
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burger. she probably doesn't even eat that burger! she's, like, a hundred pounds! i'm not buying that burger! (laughter) >> and i never want a boner while i'm eating a burger. do you know what i mean? i like to keep those things separate anyway. >> i know! (laughter) >> i don't know, i feel like i'm not really paying attention to sex. i'm watching the show. i have a wine every episode because i need to be drinking wine. i'm there. (cheers and applause) >> got watch. i just want to have wine. >> larry: whenever i see monkeys in a commercial, my brain turns off. they had the monkeys in that
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commercial. monkeys turn off your brain. show this commercial with the monkeys. there you go. ♪ there is the monkeys. okay. okay. >> yes. i want a burger. (laughter) >> larry: i saw the commercial and i'm, like, those monkeys are hilarious! i have no idea what the commercials are for. >> what is it for? it's the monkeys. when you see monkeys, your brain turns off. >> when you see something like that, you want to get high so you get on the level they were when they created it. that's a wii commercial. >> i buy that. >> larry: that makes sense. i don't understand the commercials where they have the women turned on by the inanimate object or animal. like they have the geico pig. and he says, well... what, is she going to (bleep) the pig? (laughter)
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>> maybe (laughter) >> i don't got to drive that fast. >> larry: take the bus, that's what i'm saying. >> i don't even eat pork. (laughter) >> larry: all right. ooh! >> larry: black and white cookie. okay. so there's a story about -- >> before you eat it. (laughter) >> larry: so there is this -- okay, remember the story about raciarachel dolezal who said shs black but she was white? there's supposedly a black lives matter matter activist named shaun king was accused this week of being white and trying to pass as biracial. we call this incognegro.
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>> we do. (applause) they're obsessed with white people trying to act black. why do we care whether they're black or white. >> bring more white people into the black fold. i'm tired of being a minority, y'all. >> you need to come up, man. >> i'm already training rory. yeah, he is. i think it's weird. like you said, it's such a weird thing to go after someone's background. >> feels like we should use our investigative journalism. >> he is doing something good. yeah, right. well, i think people were offended a white guy might want to help black people. >> and they're offended when you don't! >> i know! exactly! (laughter) >> larry: we'll be right back. hey pal? you ready?
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel, and we have more items in the bag o' grab. i think it's your turn. >> going to be a cookie. mine was delicious. >> oh, (bleep). all right. >> larry: this looks bizarre but i tell you what it is. so a new jersey woman -- okay, so a new jersey woman -- we can't make this (bleep) up, you guys. she died of lung cancer last week and asked in her obituary that in lieu of flowers the public not vote for hillary
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clinton! (audience reacts) >> that's so out of control. (bleep). literally the most new jersey thing yan do, you know what i mean? because you smoke yourself to death and on your way out you're, like, (bleep) hillary! the only thing more jersey is, , yoke funeral is on a jet ski. other than that, that's as hard-core jersey as it gets! (laughter) >> that's the best time to ask for something, if you think about it. people can't say no. who's going to tell somebody no who's dying? no, i ain't doing that. >> i'm going to send her a lot of flowers. (laughter) >> you can't ask something like that. like, what if donald trump gets into office? you have to be here to live through a donald trump presidency. you can't just die and then say that. like, for real!
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(applause) >> we got to take it you got to take it! >> pull her out! pull her up! (laughter) >> look at his hair! >> larry: the whole presidency, look what he's doing! >> she wakes up -- did you vote for her? >> reanimate the dead! >> larry: we candidate has the best chance of getting the dead vote? >> a good question. >> larry: hillary obviously can't get the dead vote. >> not now. i feel like ben carson is a brain surgeon. he definitely has a laboratory. he said in the debate, too, because he called them siamese twins because that's a term you shouldn't say. he said, yeah, i separated see siamese twins. that's weird. i feel like herved join some
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together. >> and fixed the eyesight of a couple of orientals, too. >> i feel like he's working on a human centipede somewhere, you know what i mean? >> he's the vice president! a human centipede for president! (laughter) >> larry: this conversation has devolved about 20 minutes ago. whatever we say, don't worry about it. deez nuts! (cheers and applause) >> touchy! >> larry: go ahead, chris. oh! >> larry: this is happening here in times square. naked painted women are multiplying rapidly in times square >> human centipede was too much! (laughter) >> larry: they're painting themselves, i guess, so they're
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painting their breasts and they have clothes on the bottom. anybody have a problem with this? >> i do because it's definitely not okay for me to paint my dick and go out and take pictures with people. >> i don't hav have a problem wh it not being okay for you to paint your dick. (laughter) >> larry: why are we so offended by breasts? >> who's "we"? (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> larry: it's okay if women show all the breast but have to cover up the nipples. what is so bad about the nipples! i don't think anybody's offended by nipples. >> nipples come out, it's party time. >> technically. >> larry: oh, it's a signal! yeah, because -- the nipples is where god put your soul, you know what i mean? so you have to keep them
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covered. >> church... party time. church... party time. you know what i mean? >> larry: i want to know who these people are who complain about titties in times square. >> here's what it, is times square, now,, is you know, like the olive garden in an m&m store. it's not like a smut place anymore. you're in from ohio, trying to eat at an interesting italian restaurant, olive garden, you know what i mean? and try to get a real new york experience, go to the m&m store and all of a sudden you see american flag titties and your kids are, like, mommy! what are those! then you have to explain it. it's not fair. >> you know what's more offensive than the titties being out and painted like an american flag is the fat iron man o.
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>> that's what i'm offended by. and he goes to lift off the suit, he's, like, mr. iron man, you're too fat! >> larry: we'll be right back after this. (laughter) >> grab free tickets for an upcoming taping of "the nightly show." the show tapes monday through thursday, go to thenigh the keys to this home belong to mark and alissa anderson. they bought the place four months ago on what was arguably the scariest day of their lives. neither has any idea what the future holds for them. but they bought into a 30-year mortgage anyway. that was bold. they must really believe in themselves. buy in. quickenloans/home buy. refi. power.
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: that's our show! i want to thank our panelists -- rory albanese, mike yard, hadiyah robinson and chris d'elia. goodnightly, everyone! (cheers and applause) ♪
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( faces' "ooh la la" playing ) ♪ i wish that i knew what i know now ♪ ( yelling ) ♪ when i was younger ♪ i wish that i knew what i know now ♪ ♪ when i was stronger ♪ the can can's such a pretty show ♪ ♪ they'll steal your heart away ♪ ♪ but backstage, back on earth again ♪ ♪ the dressing rooms are gray


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